Second opinion

Darling's partner aunt who work with Harley Streets Group manage to secure a slot of appoitment with Dr Chee on the following Monday itself. Early in the morning before I off to work, I was thinking should I bring the scan images or not. I just tell myself to bring it along with me just in case...

I brought it to the office and decided to call my superiors for a short meeting in regards to my illness. I called Brian-Regional Manager, Aloysius-HR, John-my team leader. We had a serious meeting in Brian's office. I break the news and showed them where the tumor is. They just listen to me and I feel like I'm a neurosurgeon at that point of time. HAHAHA..

Brian said we(company) will do as much as we can to help you. In terms of supports and financial. Aloysius said take as much time as you need. Your job will be there, waiting for you. I knew I'll be in a very long leave and jokingly said to John, I'll not be able to finish my appraisal test on time. They said I'm strong to face this. For me, there's no use for me to cry. The tumor is there and I need to look forward to cure my illness. If I'm not strong, what about my parents? Sisters? Partner? Not to forget about my second opinion appoitment at 11am, Gleneagles Kuala Lumpur with Dr Chee.

At about 10-ish I went down, grab a cab and off to GKL. The taxi driver try to cheat on me. The fare is RM16. I gave RM20 and he said, no small change. What? How can you drive a taxi without small change. I insist on my balance!!!! I met aunt at the lobby and heading to Dr Chee's suite. There's about 4-5 patient waiting there. I need to wait for quite sometime before the assistant called my name.

Since the Dr knows aunt, the chatted like friends and it makes me calm. The Dr then asked me few questions on my background and we discussed about my illness. He showed me where the tumor is, and insist to remove it as soon as apossible due to its position. Bottom back near my water cavity. He don't know what my tumor consist of, if it's contained pus&burst insidemy brain, it'll threatening my life. He asked me to go for surgery on the Wednesday itself,admit on Tuesday. I asked him if its can be postpone to Friday. He said yes.

The chronology is fast

Saturday-First MRI-KPJ Kajang

Monday-Second opinion-Gleneagles KL

?Tuesday-Admit

?Wednesday-Surgery

Thats crazyyyyyyy!!!!

The road not taken

Sometimes your guts and feeling can be very strong.

At this point of time, I need to be independent me.

Forget about people's advise and follow my instinct.

You'll never be able to count on one's opinion.

Too much opinion? Definitely drive you crazy! 

When I take the route labeled A, people of route B totally not happy with it.

I detour and take route B, people of A&C see it as a wrong choice.

Everyone got their opinion,but not every opinion suite me.

Why can't they understand that?

Should I just kill myself in order to satisfy everyone's opinion and desire?

The result

And the result is, I have a tumor inside my brain. 2 cm in diameter and about 5 inch deeper(away from the skull). I was speechless when the Dr. Soezy said that. A bit blurr and I just go...

Me: Oh, its like a tumor is it?
Dr.: No, IT IS A TUMOR. So, how? Should I need to refer you to my colleague who is a neurosurgeon?
I don't know what to do-seriously!
Me: Ermm..I need to talk to my HR first (Dang! still thinking who's going to pay for the fee)
Dr.: I'll refer you to him la eh? He's our visiting Dr. Not sure when he'll come. Maybe this afternoon/night. Depends on him. If he can't come today, I'll discharge you.
Me: Ok Dr.

Then Dr. Soezy left me with some other informations. I didn't cry at all. I just pick up my phone and started to call people. I called my partner first who is in Singapore. I ask him what will he do if I'm no longer around? HAHAHA..come on, definitely he needs someone to take care of him. Other chicks of course! He seems quite when I told him off. He can't believe it and ask back, "You already know is it there's something wrong?" NOOO..I got no idea at all that I'm sick. Just happened I don't feel good about myself. He suggested I talk to his aunt who happened to work with Harley Streets Group. Maybe aunt can suggest few good neurosurgeon and I can go for second opinion..

I called aunt and she totally shock about the news. We talked for quite sometimes and she mentioned few neurosurgeon that is registered with Harley Street. One of the first name she mentioned  is Dr. Chee Chee Pin. She asked me to check the company website, decide on the Dr. and let her know. She then will help me get an appointment with the selected Dr.

I didn't check the website straight away. I played games, sleep, perform my prayer downstairs. I told my sister too. She just keep quite all the way during the phone call. Come on! I'm not gonna die tomorrow. There's time for us to fix this. I refuse to let my parents know cause dad has coronary problem and mom has blood hypertension. No older people at home to look after then if something bad happen.

*** I need some sleep ***

Next: The neurosurgeon visit

Yahhhooo

Yahhhhoo..
Dah boleh langkau sebaris.
Dah boleh tekan Enter..
try tengok sini..
Berkesan sungguh!
Nanti nak try dekat ipad.
Agak2 lepas tak kalau nak masuk kan gambar nanti?

Tewas #2

Sendirian,
Di hadapan makan malam,
Aku tewas lagi
dengan perasaan.

Sape mahu kelihatan tidak menarik?
Besar, gemuk..
Sudah cukup aku disogokkan, dimomokkan
Dengan kata2..eh,ko tau tak ko makin gemuk?
Ada tak ko cermin diri kau kat cermin? Makin gemuk aku tengok.

Tidak cukupkah penderitaan yang aku alami?
Di mana peri kemanusian?
Tidak kah ada sekelumit kasihan?
Hayat ku bukan seribu tahun,
Kenapa tidak diberi kesempatan?

Bukan menidakkan kebenaran,
Cuma mahu pengertian,
Cacilah, hinalah aku saat jasad dikandung badan,
Usai becerai, usah ditangisi, diratapi...

Kurang sihat

Dah 2hari aku muntah2 di pagi awal subuh hari...

Muntah kosong, muntah air. Sakitnya perut...

Kalau ada makanan, mesti lagi sakit kan?

Tak cukup dengan muntah, boleh pulak mimpi berlari2?

Kejar apek jual eskrem macam kat rumah arwah atok dulu.

Apakah aku kena cari eskrem sekarang?

Hmmmm....

Sedih, tapi ape aku boleh buat?

Tengah aku baca-baca pasal type of tumor aku tu, aku rasa nak memulis. Rasa tu datang membuak2, macam xblh nak tahan2 da. Ala, sekali sakit perot pon datang sekali? Ape ni?.. Orang nak tulis laaa..

Ape yang aku bakal tulis adalah pengalaman aku sebagai pesakit tumor. Yang selalu orang kaitkan jangka hayatnya tak lama. Depending on the type of tumor. Either cancerous or non cancerous.

Aku sekarang cuti-MC dari dr dekat sebulan lebih da. Ape je yang mampu aku buat? Hari2 kerja aku, makan-tido-berak-tgk tv-online. Kalau ada extra sikit pun aku g berjalan kat playground bawah rumah. Dapat seround dua pun jadilah. Aku sekarang raa macam useless sangat. Satu ape pun ak tak boleh buat, tu pon aku kuatkan hati basuh pinggan sikit2,masak yg simple2. Lipat baju, smpn baju tu mmg boleh buat sebab duduk je kan.

Ramai tanya aku ok ke? Mesti la ok tapi orang tau ke dalam sengihan aku ni ada duka? Dalam senyuman ada lara? Bagi aku hidup macam kurang sikit bermakna bila aku tau aku sakit ni. Yang aku fikir adalah parents,adik2 dgn partner. Aku paling tua tak kawen lg. so, komitmen untuk keluarga tu banyak sikit. Kalau orang lain sedih tengok keadaan aku, aku lagi sedih. Yang nak kena tanggung semua ni aku. Aku tak mintak banyak pun dari orang sekeliling aku, just treat me like normal, macam aku tak sakit. Tau tak tempat dopter kopak tu ada rasa sengal2 sikit? Korang tak rasa semua tu. Yang korang tengok, aku ok,senyum je. Tak kan aku nak menanges? Selagi mana aku mampu tanggung rasa tu, aku tanggung. Abes2 pun ak cakap penat, nak tido, nak rehat. Orang kat sekeliling aku belum cukup sensitif dengan perubahan2 kecil yang aku cuba sampaikan secara halus, tanpa menyinggung perasaan orang lain.

Tu belum lagi yang komplen cakap aku makin 'sihat'. Nak buat macam mana, dah aku kena telan dadah, 3kali sehari. Mau tak gemuk? Cuba bagi aku kata semangat sikit? Ni tau nak komplen je. Sape nak badan naik mendadak? Yes, before aku boleh la terkinja2,g sana sini. Swimming, jogging. Ni nak jalan pun susah, ko budget aku boleh aktif balik? Kurang2 aku target setahun dua aku berehat dari aktif. Pastu baru aku yakin nak aktif. Mungkin niat kau nak bgtau yang aku da gemuk, tapi kalau setiap kali nampak muka aku, itu je yang kau luahkan, sesape pun naik angin.

Lagi satu pasal insurans claim. Sebok semua orang nak tolong aku pikir jat mana patut aku salurkan duit tu. Come on la, duit tu belum tentu dapat lagi, dah macam2 rencananya. Nampak macam semua pun mata duitan. Semua pun lagi kisahkan duit tu dari aku? Sedih much? Aku buat tak tau je. Tapi hati menangis, sape yang tau?

Ishk, sebab tu aku cakap aku dah penat jadi positif, jadi kuat. Kalau orang kat keliling aku nak teruskan jugak macam ni, nanti kalau gunung berapi ni meletop, baru korang rasa. HAHAHA...mungkin selama ni orang ingat aku ni tak kisah. Orang nak buat ape semua aku terima. Kena letak barrier la nampaknya.. Sedih.. ;(

Today, last month...

...I was in ICU.

Lying there, alone.

Yesterday, last month was my surgery day.

Seven hours was spend in the OT.

To remove my tumor.

Alhamdulillah, I'm still here.

Terima kasih, Tuhanku...

Early morning ramblings...

Mom said it's because of the anesthetics I had the other that cause me hunger all the time. Sheeshhh...no wonder I keep feels hungry every time I woke up-practically, I'll eat every two hours! So much food and there is no surprise if I put on weight. Gotta control my appetite more!

On the other hand, I miss my younger sisters, especially the youngest one. She took care of me during the school break. At the age of barely 16 years old, she's patiently care for me. She'll woke up in the middle of the night after I called her for food. Or will go "haaaa...where are you going haaa?" if she heard I try to get off the bed. In Malay, it's like "haaa...nak g mana haa?" Isn't she's funny? I need to get her approval for pee? Are you joking me? It's not gonna happen that way..

Being alone at your lowest point of life is not advisable. You tend to get yourself mellow and down. Surround yourself with your loved one. I understand about everyone's commitment, but there's no harm in asking for a good company.

I stay with my sister in Bangi. My parents are in Johor. Yes, I come from Johor-Mersing. It's about 6hours drive from my current location. Mom went home the day after my 2nd check up, about a week ago. Dad was home way before. Sometime I wish that they didn't renovate the house. Oh, they renovate the house way before they knew about my illness. Just that I don't understand why they have to choose their house over me? Ok, that's their 'house'. But I'm their daughter. I need all support with me now. I know for a fact that they'll be bored if the stay here.

But, I have not much time. With darling partner in Singapore, there's not much I have here. I wish that everyone resolved their problem among them and not jeopardizing my situation before it become worst. Hmmmmmm.... I'm down after read the fact about my type of tumor. On average, any survivor will have 6-8 years to live. Maybe I interpret the article wrongly. But, anyone who read that for the first of time will 'sentap'. What can you do in that short of time? My bell rang earlier than yours. Am going to take a different route afterwards and you can enjoy the bus ride and your journey still. I thought after my Dr. removed them, I'll have more time or things going to get better after I fully recover. Seems it's not going that way.

But, I can't lose hope right? Who's going to take care of my parents? My younger sisters? My partner? Who will bring them for nice&cosy food? Man, there's a lot more I want to do with them and for them! I've been in school for donkey years! 2years-kindy, 6years-elementary,5years-high school,1year-matriculation,3years-first degree, and another 3years-masters degree. That's about 20 years out of 27? Phewww... No wonder my brain said we need a BREAK!!! HAHAHA... It's getting tougher now. I need to keep swimming like Nemo...

Few more hours..

Few more hours left.

Boleh tak kalau tak balik Singapore?

Boleh tak kalau tak payah go Kyoto, Japan?

Hakikatnya,

Aku yang ditinggalkan untuk sementara waktu...

Macam mana ni? Ada lagi 3 tahun nak kena macam ni... Sobs...

Another day, and he'll fly back to Singapore..

Another day to be spend with him.. He'll fly back to Singapore on Tuesday. I only have tomorrow to do things with him.. Time flies.. He spend almost a month here just to be with me..

Where can I find such a lovely man like him? Thanks God for this gift from heaven.. Words from him tonight.. "In life, when a person already at his/her lowest point of life, we shouldn't take away something that is already belongs to them'

He said when he heard about my illness, everything in this world is meaningless for him.. Auww..so much love tonight dear? Love you much, darling.. Thank you for everything you've done to me..

The hospital journey #1

So,

On the night of 29 November, I stayed in the hospital. I'm entitled for twin sharing bed ward. That's fine. I aspect no visitor and I can't sleep that night!! I've been thinking of 'how many body has been lying down here-unbreathable?' HAHAHA..chicken me! Of all the things, that's the only sentence keep echoing inside my head!

The journey is like..
Register-nurse ushered to the ward-get your bed-prepare to sleep-other nurse came in to poke you and give medicine & orientation. Orientation? Basically they will ask your name-for confirmation, as stated by the hospital rules and regulations. One I can remember is this is female ward and no male are allowed to accompany you.

Oh..oh.. I'm more interested in poking part! The nurse poke me on my right hand. IT"S PAINFUL!!! For me-at least. Feels like kicking the nurse! Drama much? HAHAHA They said it's for flush in medicine-in liquid form. Do you know, that's the most thing I'm afraid of-branula. I thought I just sleepover the hospital bed for a night-get ready for tomorrow(any oral medicine is OK with me)-finished the procedure-and will be happily discharged and I'm home!!! Guess it's not happened that way, baby!

On the 30th I woke up early. Get myself ready and wait for the nurse. Dr Soezy booked my session at 1030am. Until 1045am only a garang nurse came. She's like super garang and not friendly at all! Reach the radiology department where the scan took place.

The person in charge asked me to change to the hospital gown and I need to remove any metal attached to my body. That include your bra if you wearing one with metal support. Basically, just remove everything as the scanner used a very powerful magnet source( i think). Oh, since I have a super long hair, I need to tie it high so that it wont disturb the image later. I forgot to remove my watch. Its not allowed as the procedure has the ability to damage it. Power right? After removing-changing to hospital gown-tie your hair, tadaaa..you're ready for the procedure.

They'll asked you to lie down on the bed and slowly the bed will be pushed inside a tunnel. Since mine was for brain, the put a protector helmet like a rugby player helmet and strictly say don't move your head. The tunnel just nice to cover my head and part of my body-below the shoulder. Once everything in place they'll start the machine. It's like..tung..tung..tung..grengg..grengg..grengg..grengg.. so noisy! I manage to get some sleep during the first round. Then the machine stop. Pheww..Thought it was over. Not that soon, baby!

The guy(who is incharge of the machine) or should I call him the machine controller? came and said, Dr. will come and inject you with some contrast solution. WHATTT??? cryyyyy.... It's PAINFUL! Trust me. Yes, they'll repeat the procedure after injecting some 'contrast solution' into my body. Another nurse told me that I have another 15minutes until the procedure ends. Gosh! What am I gonna do for another 15 minutes? They 'pushed' me inside the tunnel again and said the same thing; don't move your head. OK..OK..this is serious!

Don't move my head. At that point of time, my body sore because I never lie down for that long. Nearly press the bell and ask them to stop. But I know, I can't do that. 1)This is an expensive procedure 2) They have injected me with contrast solution 3)I don't want to repeat this procedure again. So, another longggg 15 minutes inside the machine.. Same noisy machine. But this time around, I started to come Shaun. 1 to 60=1 minutes. HAHAHA

Then slowly I feel sleepy and sleep for another round. Then the machine stop and the bed move out from the tunnel. I'm done!! Changed back to my outfit and wait for that garang nurse to pick me up back. Reached the ward and heck? what's more to do when you're alone in the ward? Playing games-checked. WhatsApp-checked. Sleep-unchecked. Another round of sleep in the ward. Around 2-ish, Dr. Soezyani came to reveal the result. She's super calm. Guess she's done this for donkey years regardless what is the result. I woke up and getting ready to hear the result. And the result is...

Grrr~~~~

menulis dengan ipad adalah mensakitkan hati sebab TAK BOLEH nak langkau sebaris walau pon ko edit dengan kompiter biasa lepas tu! Grrrr~~~~

Hari ni....

Macam da penat jadi kuat untuk semua orang. Da penat nak jadi positif. Kenapa dengan aku ni? Sikit lagi aku nak sembuh sepenuhnya. Tak kan aku nak hentikan usaha aku selama ni? I went out for dinner with darling partner.

We talked about Nik who once Wawa's girlfriend. She's getting married on the 10th. Of course la Wawa gile meroyan. They've been in a relationship for 4 years. Nik who's going to marry his colleague known that guy for few months and decided to marry him.

Darling partner didn't get the idea of marrying someone you know for a short of time. 'Kalau Darling tak boleh. Macam mana you nak kahwin dengan orang yang you baru kenal? Sekali dah kahwin, you rasa orang tu tak sesuai, macam mana?' That's exactly what he said. I replied 'Tu namanya jodoh. Sebab tu orang cakap kahwin ni gamble'. Amboi..marah pokcik bila aku cakap macam tu. HAHAHA...

... rasa nak give up pun ada.