Early morning ramblings...

Mom said it's because of the anesthetics I had the other that cause me hunger all the time. Sheeshhh...no wonder I keep feels hungry every time I woke up-practically, I'll eat every two hours! So much food and there is no surprise if I put on weight. Gotta control my appetite more!

On the other hand, I miss my younger sisters, especially the youngest one. She took care of me during the school break. At the age of barely 16 years old, she's patiently care for me. She'll woke up in the middle of the night after I called her for food. Or will go "haaaa...where are you going haaa?" if she heard I try to get off the bed. In Malay, it's like "haaa...nak g mana haa?" Isn't she's funny? I need to get her approval for pee? Are you joking me? It's not gonna happen that way..

Being alone at your lowest point of life is not advisable. You tend to get yourself mellow and down. Surround yourself with your loved one. I understand about everyone's commitment, but there's no harm in asking for a good company.

I stay with my sister in Bangi. My parents are in Johor. Yes, I come from Johor-Mersing. It's about 6hours drive from my current location. Mom went home the day after my 2nd check up, about a week ago. Dad was home way before. Sometime I wish that they didn't renovate the house. Oh, they renovate the house way before they knew about my illness. Just that I don't understand why they have to choose their house over me? Ok, that's their 'house'. But I'm their daughter. I need all support with me now. I know for a fact that they'll be bored if the stay here.

But, I have not much time. With darling partner in Singapore, there's not much I have here. I wish that everyone resolved their problem among them and not jeopardizing my situation before it become worst. Hmmmmmm.... I'm down after read the fact about my type of tumor. On average, any survivor will have 6-8 years to live. Maybe I interpret the article wrongly. But, anyone who read that for the first of time will 'sentap'. What can you do in that short of time? My bell rang earlier than yours. Am going to take a different route afterwards and you can enjoy the bus ride and your journey still. I thought after my Dr. removed them, I'll have more time or things going to get better after I fully recover. Seems it's not going that way.

But, I can't lose hope right? Who's going to take care of my parents? My younger sisters? My partner? Who will bring them for nice&cosy food? Man, there's a lot more I want to do with them and for them! I've been in school for donkey years! 2years-kindy, 6years-elementary,5years-high school,1year-matriculation,3years-first degree, and another 3years-masters degree. That's about 20 years out of 27? Phewww... No wonder my brain said we need a BREAK!!! HAHAHA... It's getting tougher now. I need to keep swimming like Nemo...

Few more hours..

Few more hours left.

Boleh tak kalau tak balik Singapore?

Boleh tak kalau tak payah go Kyoto, Japan?

Hakikatnya,

Aku yang ditinggalkan untuk sementara waktu...

Macam mana ni? Ada lagi 3 tahun nak kena macam ni... Sobs...

Another day, and he'll fly back to Singapore..

Another day to be spend with him.. He'll fly back to Singapore on Tuesday. I only have tomorrow to do things with him.. Time flies.. He spend almost a month here just to be with me..

Where can I find such a lovely man like him? Thanks God for this gift from heaven.. Words from him tonight.. "In life, when a person already at his/her lowest point of life, we shouldn't take away something that is already belongs to them'

He said when he heard about my illness, everything in this world is meaningless for him.. Auww..so much love tonight dear? Love you much, darling.. Thank you for everything you've done to me..

The hospital journey #1

So,

On the night of 29 November, I stayed in the hospital. I'm entitled for twin sharing bed ward. That's fine. I aspect no visitor and I can't sleep that night!! I've been thinking of 'how many body has been lying down here-unbreathable?' HAHAHA..chicken me! Of all the things, that's the only sentence keep echoing inside my head!

The journey is like..
Register-nurse ushered to the ward-get your bed-prepare to sleep-other nurse came in to poke you and give medicine & orientation. Orientation? Basically they will ask your name-for confirmation, as stated by the hospital rules and regulations. One I can remember is this is female ward and no male are allowed to accompany you.

Oh..oh.. I'm more interested in poking part! The nurse poke me on my right hand. IT"S PAINFUL!!! For me-at least. Feels like kicking the nurse! Drama much? HAHAHA They said it's for flush in medicine-in liquid form. Do you know, that's the most thing I'm afraid of-branula. I thought I just sleepover the hospital bed for a night-get ready for tomorrow(any oral medicine is OK with me)-finished the procedure-and will be happily discharged and I'm home!!! Guess it's not happened that way, baby!

On the 30th I woke up early. Get myself ready and wait for the nurse. Dr Soezy booked my session at 1030am. Until 1045am only a garang nurse came. She's like super garang and not friendly at all! Reach the radiology department where the scan took place.

The person in charge asked me to change to the hospital gown and I need to remove any metal attached to my body. That include your bra if you wearing one with metal support. Basically, just remove everything as the scanner used a very powerful magnet source( i think). Oh, since I have a super long hair, I need to tie it high so that it wont disturb the image later. I forgot to remove my watch. Its not allowed as the procedure has the ability to damage it. Power right? After removing-changing to hospital gown-tie your hair, tadaaa..you're ready for the procedure.

They'll asked you to lie down on the bed and slowly the bed will be pushed inside a tunnel. Since mine was for brain, the put a protector helmet like a rugby player helmet and strictly say don't move your head. The tunnel just nice to cover my head and part of my body-below the shoulder. Once everything in place they'll start the machine. It's like..tung..tung..tung..grengg..grengg..grengg..grengg.. so noisy! I manage to get some sleep during the first round. Then the machine stop. Pheww..Thought it was over. Not that soon, baby!

The guy(who is incharge of the machine) or should I call him the machine controller? came and said, Dr. will come and inject you with some contrast solution. WHATTT??? cryyyyy.... It's PAINFUL! Trust me. Yes, they'll repeat the procedure after injecting some 'contrast solution' into my body. Another nurse told me that I have another 15minutes until the procedure ends. Gosh! What am I gonna do for another 15 minutes? They 'pushed' me inside the tunnel again and said the same thing; don't move your head. OK..OK..this is serious!

Don't move my head. At that point of time, my body sore because I never lie down for that long. Nearly press the bell and ask them to stop. But I know, I can't do that. 1)This is an expensive procedure 2) They have injected me with contrast solution 3)I don't want to repeat this procedure again. So, another longggg 15 minutes inside the machine.. Same noisy machine. But this time around, I started to come Shaun. 1 to 60=1 minutes. HAHAHA

Then slowly I feel sleepy and sleep for another round. Then the machine stop and the bed move out from the tunnel. I'm done!! Changed back to my outfit and wait for that garang nurse to pick me up back. Reached the ward and heck? what's more to do when you're alone in the ward? Playing games-checked. WhatsApp-checked. Sleep-unchecked. Another round of sleep in the ward. Around 2-ish, Dr. Soezyani came to reveal the result. She's super calm. Guess she's done this for donkey years regardless what is the result. I woke up and getting ready to hear the result. And the result is...

Grrr~~~~

menulis dengan ipad adalah mensakitkan hati sebab TAK BOLEH nak langkau sebaris walau pon ko edit dengan kompiter biasa lepas tu! Grrrr~~~~

Hari ni....

Macam da penat jadi kuat untuk semua orang. Da penat nak jadi positif. Kenapa dengan aku ni? Sikit lagi aku nak sembuh sepenuhnya. Tak kan aku nak hentikan usaha aku selama ni? I went out for dinner with darling partner.

We talked about Nik who once Wawa's girlfriend. She's getting married on the 10th. Of course la Wawa gile meroyan. They've been in a relationship for 4 years. Nik who's going to marry his colleague known that guy for few months and decided to marry him.

Darling partner didn't get the idea of marrying someone you know for a short of time. 'Kalau Darling tak boleh. Macam mana you nak kahwin dengan orang yang you baru kenal? Sekali dah kahwin, you rasa orang tu tak sesuai, macam mana?' That's exactly what he said. I replied 'Tu namanya jodoh. Sebab tu orang cakap kahwin ni gamble'. Amboi..marah pokcik bila aku cakap macam tu. HAHAHA...

... rasa nak give up pun ada.

The day I knew the news

12 November 2013
I went to the hospital, KPJ Kajang. I've experiencing dizziness while I get down from level 10 to ground level and whenever I turn my body when sleeping. I feels like in cloud 9. I searched over the web and decided to go for Dr. Soezyani-she's a physician&neurologist. She examine me and suggested a few steps to go further. 1)MRI brain scan 2) Medication 3) Just let it be. I'm curious, what's wrong with me. So I decided to go for MRI scan, just to make myself satisfied.

But man, it' not cheap. Dr. Soezy said the cost might go up to RM4k. How can I find that huge amount of money in 2 weeks time? Dr Soezy scheduled the scan on 25 November 2013. I decided to use my company insurance. I went to the hospital again for the procedure. But there's some glitch with the insurance. They won't cover it since it's an investigative procedure. I went back and talk to the HR, Aloysius. He said, just go for it. If the insurance not covering the amount, we(company) will cover it. I talked to my Dr again and she gave a new date. 29 November to be admitted and the procedure is scheduled the next day. So, I patiently waited for the date.

29 November 2013

KPJ Kajang asked me to come in the morning. So, morning it is. Reached the admission counter and they said the room is not yet ready. They asked me to go back and wait for them to call once the room is ready. Waiting is too bored. If I knew this will take like the whole day, I should've gone to work. Until Asar, there's no sign of them calling me back. At about 6-ish I called them and the guy said, the patient just leave the ward and it'll be ready in 1 hour time. I decided to go at night just in case it's still not yet ready. At night, I still manage to go to Warta for Sport's Planet Sale and ate dinner at Chef's Cook. And the registration took like 1+ hour!!! It's a private hospital and this is how they work? Patients fork out a lots of money to get the service-it should be better! I only got my bed at 11.50pm. So, the journey with hospital begins here...

Today, for the first time I cried

Today, 15 days has passed after that long, time consuming surgery I had a major surgery on December 10 to remove my brain tumor Did I say BRAIN TUMOR? Once, there's something foreign inside my 4th ventricle left side brain My Dr.s'- Dr Chee Chee Pin-a neurosurgeon and Dr Lim-an anaesthetist has worked very hard for 7 hours A day before our 94months anniversary Yes,we celebrated-not really with him watching me in vegetative state in ICU It's a shocking news to everyone and not many people know about this I try to keep this as personal as I can shall write the journey as part of the memory even it's not a nice one... ...and today for the first time I cried after knowing about the brain tumor

Tomorrow is the day!

Esok! Maka akan genaplah setahun aku kerja dekat Senergy. Pencapaian!
Gaji dah naik sikit dari yang asal. Itu yang semua orang nak kan bila kerja kat satu-satu company?
Tapi tahun ni takda bonus for every one. Kalau ada pon untuk individual performance award pot.
Susah nak jangka. Kalau ada Alhamdulillah, kalau tak, kita kerja kuat lagi k?

Kat sini, untuk department aku, boleh buat weekend on-call. Ape, ingat dopter je ad on-call? Kikiki
Compesation adalah £250 untuk 48 hours.Of course ada rules nak kena ikut.
Kena jawab any updated/new issue within 1 hour. Tak tido? Pandai2 lah curi masa nak tido.

12/13 hb October ada reunion high school. Kat Pengkalan Balak, Melaka.
And minggu tu jugak aku on-call.Kelas ko maimon, nak on-call kat tepi pantai.
So, dah cakap dengan partner travelling nak ikot diorang. And this time around, I'm not gonna be the driver.
Surely aku akan ada masa untuk tido-tido ayam je. Not fit enough to drive alone.
So, they have to do the drive. Jadi mem besaq kejap.=)

So, basically, it's good aku boleh on-call ni.Banyak benda aku boleh belajar.
Belajar tak tido malam (in case aku kawen, ada anak-senang keroje). hahahha
Belajar handle problem sorang-sorang.Sebab ko sorang je yang on-call.
Belajar jadi penyabar sebab tak semua client tu ok. Ada yang tak. biasalah, manusia kan?
Banyak la benda yanng boleh aku belajar.

So, in term of kerja sini, ok saje.
Just that KL office ni penuh dengan senior level staff, so senyap sunyi opis ni.
Selalu ha, aku tersengguk2 nak tunggu pukul 3. hahaa..aku masuk kul 7am, balik at 3pm.
Escape the jammed! Seronok! Petang-petang aku boleh berlari-lari, bakar lemak aku dekat stadium UKM
ke, park dekat seksyen 7 ke. Ok la dari terbongkang atas katil. Tak pon aku g swimming...
Kena get active. Target aku, 2014 tu xda dah 50+.. 49kg! So, memang nak kena work hard la kan.
Jaga makan+get active=insyaAllah, healthy! Aku ada +- 3bulan je ni nak shade 6kg.
Ni memang lemak tepu. Lama sangat dah tak nak turun-turun..geram aku!

Then, aku try join any running event once a month. At least boleh tau at which level I'm currently at.
I'm done with 7km. Next target adalah 10km.
Followed by 15km, half marathon, 3/4 marathon (ada ke istilah ni), full marathon.
Kena kental untuk buat ape yang aku suka!
Kalau bagi aku padang, tau la ape aku nak buat. Kalau ko bagi aku dance studio, ape pon xtau. hahaha

So, sekarang ni aku nak complete kan aku punya running stuff. Kasut dah baru. Ipod dah beli.
Timer je kena beli baru sebab dulu pakai Nike+ sportsband. dah tukar kasut, cam mana aku nak pakai?
Bukan semua kasut boleh slot in tracker dia.

So, ape brand yang ok & affordable nih?

Hari ini

Long silent. Long weekend. Work has been hectic. Mana nak adapt dengan orang-orang baru yang menyakitkan hati lagi,mana nak adapt dengan kerja lagi. Ala,semua orang pun mesti rasa macam ni masa first time kerja kan. Just go with the flow. Asal jangan susah kan orang sudah...

Congratulations Nawal!! Aku la tu yang bertanggungjawab bagi nama Karim. Padahal baby nama Kalif Ihraz. Hemsem! Hidung ikot Nawal. Baru petang tadi g visit. Tido je keje si Kalif ni. Abes pipi dia kena gomol. Tu pon da ada rashes. Cian Kalif...

Hari-hari g kerja awal. 5-530am da kena bangun. Nk parking VIP. Pastu masuk kerja awal at 7am, balik at 3pm. Penat. Sebab malam ada buat second income job. Duduk kat bandar ni memang mencabar. Tak termasuk lagi dengan orang ingat ko tak kawen,ko ada banyak duit. Abes tu aku tak payah bayar PTPTN? Tak payah beli barang? Tak payah simpan untuk masa depan? Penat la nak puas kan hati semua orang. Memang ko tak kan pernah dapat pun buat benda tu...

Penat hari ni. Jauh berjalan. Ada dekat 150km drive. Ni sat lagi kompem tido awal. Esok work... Rasa aku akan menulis lebih banyak lepas ni...hopefully!!!